If one day you know I would be gone/something bad is going to happen to me, will you start to take notice and start cherishing me instead of making me your second choice?

It just aches my heart so badly when I realized ultimately, I was never your first priority.

Labels: #negativity #sadness #lost

August, it's been a really crazy month for me, and it didn't start off really well - my boy has to enlist first thing August arrives. I remember how both of us were talking in his room on the day before he enlist and it goes something like this.

Me: *hugging him really tightly*
M: You really can't bear for me to leave, can you?
Me: Of course la! You'll be gone for like 2 weeks straight, with minimal contact.
M: Silly you!
Me: Ask you, if on that day when you enlist I never cry, will you think I'm heartless?
M: *thinks for a while* Hmm, not exactly heartless, but not not heartless. Why you suddenly ask leh?
Me: Well, people were telling me it's gonna be a really sad moment and you will just have the feeling to cry.
So I was just wondering lor
M: Whether you cry or not it's not important ah, doesn't really matter to me
Me: Maybe after you book in I will feel the absence and tear, but I know for sure I'm gonna miss you really badly. It's gonna be so different without you around
M: *gives me a nice tight hug*

I thought it was not going to be so difficult, because we don't really meet up very often - probably once or twice a week. But it turned out, just 2 days into his enlistment, and I'm suffering from insomnia for 2 straight days. It's really crazy knowing he's on a remote island going through drills and trainings, while all I can do is just think about him 24/7. I cried myself to sleep for a couple of days, and it only got better when I received a call from him on day 3. It was madness. The overwhelming feeling of just rushing to him and jumping on him to give him a nice warm hug. You start to miss everything about him - his nonsense, his smile, his scent, his face, his arms, his tummy, his hair. Everything. And the moment you're left alone with nothing to do, your mind starts to wander and the first thing that pops up in your mind is him. It only got better for me when I started working, going for yoga classes and driving lessons, which kept myself occupied and not miss him so much. On the other hand, time was also passing much faster when I kept myself occupied with things to do. Now it's down to the last week of his confinement period, and I really can't wait to see him during the weekends! I've already arranged for morning shift work during my weekends, kept my schedule light so that I will be able to see him first thing I end work!

School's starting tmr, and it's gonna be a tightly packed week for me, but somehow I feel much happier and contented. I believe because now I'm allocating more time to myself and roughly know what I want to work towards.

"Learning from your mistakes" is a big fat cliche, but not everyone learns from their mistakes.

Every single day, many people enter and leave our lives - expected or unexpected - and there's nothing we can do about it.

Expected departures of people in your lives are saddening but at the same time, not worth your tears. What is expected departures? It is when at some point in time in your life, you realise "Hey, this friendship/relationship/kinship will not last till the end of time" and you start being mentally prepared for this separation. Yes, it is definitely very bitter knowing someone is going to say goodbye and never to speak to you again. But it is a different story when you know the reason why he/she becomes your friend. To achieve something? Or to make use of you? Or worse still, just need your companion when they are lonely or in need of someone to occupy that hour or so before their next activity with another group of friends? More often than not it happens to almost everyone out there and somehow we get over these 'sad' departures very easily. It only takes about a day or two and we would just erase that particular person out from our lives, never to exist ever again.

Unexpected departures. Where do I begin? At some point in time, you know in your gut that he/she is here for good. He/she is all you could ask for, your best friend/soulmate. Both of you click very well; talking about everything under the sun, hating and gossiping about the same person, having the same interest as one another... And the list goes on! You know this friendship/relationship can withstand anything - time, obstacles, arguments, misunderstandings, miscommunications - and willingly place all your feelings into it, not knowing the dire consequences that follows. Consciously or unconsciously, something minor popped up which starts to destroy what we once thought was "the best thing that could ever happen in my life". You try to clear things up but the other party just doesn't want to accept/listen. In an instant, it took a drastic change, from acquaintance to strangers.

It hurts, when from strangers you became acquainted, and within a blink of an eye, both of you are back to strangers once more. You knew yourself you had done nothing wrong and had done what you should have done but it was not reciprocated with acceptance. Instead, you see words appear that stung you like a needle. Countless thoughts ran through your head and you could not comprehend how such a simple and minor issue got blown into such state, such horrid and unsavable state. You start to tell yourself "Since when did this became so vulnerable?". And you start to question yourself, if you really did something wrong the whole time. Time and again you reassured yourself but ultimately, you gave in to insecurities and self-doubt. You start to wallow in self-pity and start building walls around yourself, pushing away people who truly meant to pull you out of this emotional quicksand. Flashbacks of the worst memories starts to flood back and all you can hope for is that you are not drown by the rush of uncontrollable emotions. You tell yourself to be strong and never let anyone bring you down, but deep inside you know it is not entirely possible. You go to the most isolated spot you can find and uncontainable emotions starts gushing out from within. And you realize, history had just only repeated itself...

Exactly what I'm going through right now. When someone places friends above everything else, you just start to feel insignificant in their lives - no matter how much effort you put into it, hoping one day they will notice your absence. And that's when you realized, "I'm just dispensable in your life"

Absence makes the heart fonder. But what if absence is making you drift apart? Like you can go on without talking or meeting up. And the things you used to share and do with one another, it just disappeared. From everything under the sun, to almost zero. What went wrong? It's like we barely know each other now, and we're just being there for the sake of it. If so, what's the point of it?

I thought this time it would be something different; Guess it's just a case of "placing too high hopes, leading to greater disappointment".

Has anyone of you, at any one point in time, felt like you don't have the strength to accomplish anything? Like you're completely overwhelmed by things around, to some extent, you just feel empty - or even useless.

I'm not in the perfect state of mind right now. Just so many pesky issues bugging me at the moment, and I just want to be able to breathe again. I'm not perfect at words, neither am I at interpersonal skills. And this is the time when I start to tell myself: "Why am  I such a loser and useless piece of crap?". Times like this, I am so close to doing irrational things - things that would make me live my life in regrets. But I just cannot overcome, and I start to drill in the mentality that 'I'm a good for nothing, and I am the weakest being on earth who will never accomplish anything I want in life'. I'm really dying to pour my woes out to someone out there, but I fear those judgmental look I'll receive. I want to clear the air and tell someone that something which has been bothering me since. But I lacked courage. I'm just a wimp, a wuss, a pussy.

Never in my life had I been successful or good in anything. Some people are good at music, some relationship with friends or family, some in sports, and etc. I am neither.

I have a ukulele which I don't really touch anymore, and only know a small handful of useless easy peasy songs where anyone in the whole wide world would know. I sucked at handling relationship issues - family wise, friends or boyfriend. I'm not good at any sport, and I would never consider myself good at anything - studies or otherwise.

It is never a good idea to make a comparison with other people. But some times, we can't help it. Yes, I get jealous when people could do so much more than I could with the amount of effort they put it. Yes, I feel a little disgruntled. I just feel, I'm a failure at everything - every single thing.

I am just trapped in this bubble of negativity, and I am waiting for someone to come along and burst it so I can be free. Many may say it's just in our minds. But when our mind starts playing tricks on us, we become defend-less, and just get twirled round and round like a spinning top, till someone comes and put a stop to it.