It's such a sucky feeling, to not know if people are true to you or not. It's like you're standing over the edge of a cliff, and placing 100% trust that the person holding on to you will not let you go. But what are the possibility of that? 50-50?

I dont want to play with the chances I have, but it's just so mentally exhausting to keep track of every single thing one has done, and evaluate if they are true to you or not. I'm kinda tired having to do this over and over again. And that's when I realize my "wall of insecurities" is starting to reconstruct on it's own, and I have no total control over it.

I hate myself for being so insecure at times, or even skeptical abt people around me - even my boyfriend. I've tasted what betrayal is like, and I detest that feeling. All I get at the end of the day, will be emptiness and that heart-wrenching feeling, going through countless times in my head and telling myself why do I have to put in so much effort when everyone else doesn't.

These days, the level of insecurities in me is growing at a very scary rate, almost like an unexpected epidemic. And it's starting to become very toxic - it's starting to make me have doubts abt my boyfriend, and also people around me. It is making me harbor negative thoughts. It's slowly turning me into someone I'm not; someone who cannot stand the sight of small little flaws; I can feel myself slowly transforming, like a devil. But I just can't snap out of it. I need assurance - a huge one.

Should one day I turn nasty, it's when I have lost total control of my thoughts and actions; I've lost my ability to keep my cool and analyze things that are happening around me; I've lost my strength of staying positive no matter how bad the situation may seem.

I just don't wanna hurt anyone around me, especially those that truly care and show concern for my well-being.

I really really really need a huge assurance. If not, I will be drown by my insecurities and start losing my way in this unforgiving world.

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