It's such a sucky feeling, to not know if people are true to you or not. It's like you're standing over the edge of a cliff, and placing 100% trust that the person holding on to you will not let you go. But what are the possibility of that? 50-50?

I dont want to play with the chances I have, but it's just so mentally exhausting to keep track of every single thing one has done, and evaluate if they are true to you or not. I'm kinda tired having to do this over and over again. And that's when I realize my "wall of insecurities" is starting to reconstruct on it's own, and I have no total control over it.

I hate myself for being so insecure at times, or even skeptical abt people around me - even my boyfriend. I've tasted what betrayal is like, and I detest that feeling. All I get at the end of the day, will be emptiness and that heart-wrenching feeling, going through countless times in my head and telling myself why do I have to put in so much effort when everyone else doesn't.

These days, the level of insecurities in me is growing at a very scary rate, almost like an unexpected epidemic. And it's starting to become very toxic - it's starting to make me have doubts abt my boyfriend, and also people around me. It is making me harbor negative thoughts. It's slowly turning me into someone I'm not; someone who cannot stand the sight of small little flaws; I can feel myself slowly transforming, like a devil. But I just can't snap out of it. I need assurance - a huge one.

Should one day I turn nasty, it's when I have lost total control of my thoughts and actions; I've lost my ability to keep my cool and analyze things that are happening around me; I've lost my strength of staying positive no matter how bad the situation may seem.

I just don't wanna hurt anyone around me, especially those that truly care and show concern for my well-being.

I really really really need a huge assurance. If not, I will be drown by my insecurities and start losing my way in this unforgiving world.

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Update: 0115hrs


I've just created a private blog, and probably I'll open it up to a couple of my friends when I have more post on it. It's the kind of time, where my mind shouldn't be left alone on its own. Probably because today is a very slow day for me, which explains why my mind started to wander off on its own.



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I think my nose make me look like Voldermort. :O

Been on my uke the whole day today! The song that I was practicing was Jessie J ft. B.o.B - Price Tag! I think I can say that i've kinda know how to play it on my uke already? It sounds decent to me, but I still need more practice! My fingertips are actually super painful now, from all the practicing. Need to cut my nails off so I can press better on the string :/ Probably because I've only had water the whole day and haven't had lunch at all.


After "Price Tag", i'm gonna try "Just The Way You Are" and songs with similar strumming patterns! My love for my uke is back again! Because I haven't been playing my uke for a VERY long time (including the 2 weeks when I was away from Singapore), and i'm only touching the guitar when i'm at godmum's. Soooooo, i'm gonna take you out and play you as often as I can okay darling Lili!

p/s: should I change my uke's name? Haha well was just a sudden thought that flashed through my mind currently!


I'm super hungry now, and I think I can eat a full chicken! :/ My ma says she wanna have Long John Silver's tmr for dinner, as my Dad and Sister will not be home early. :DDDDDDD That's gonna be my first fast food meal after I've recovered! Mad happy! But the catch is: I have to go to Compasspoint alone to get it -.- I'm totally fine going alone, but the thought of going to Compasspoint and back just to get dinner, kinda makes me lazy. At least McDonald's is just a short walk away, since its located within the CC which is near my place!


Probably gonna be on the uke for a couple more hours, before I let Lili have a good rest, and I head off to watch some good movie on my laptop! Watched Transformers: Dark of the Moon on my laptop and IT WAS AWESOME! I'm running out of movies to watch on my laptop already, and I don't have the guts to watch Paranormal Activity 2 on my laptop, with my earpiece! :S Gonna torrent How I Met Your Mother later, when its up on the net! Lucky new seasons for Glee and Big Bang Theory are also up! Tried watching The Office (US Edition), and I don't find it funny? Is it just me, or is it because i'm watching the first season? Hmmmm. Anyway, off for dinner!

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Just vomitted for the third time, fever is still there, and im feeling the chills. Oh mannnn~ to make things worse, no one's at home at the moment. :/ can someone nearby just come give me a visit? :(

First time I've ever fell so sick, and for so long :S

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Its 10.50am Thailand time, and currently im still on the bus, on the way to Chiang Mai! Left the Mae Sai guesthouse at about 6am, and boarded the bus which left punctually at 6.45am!

Just finished watching a horror film on the bus, and it was super hilarious! It wasnt scary at all, but throughout the whole film, there were alot of funny elements! Will continue this post later in the night! :D

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Time now is 12.15pm Thailand time!

Just settled down in a guesthouse near the bus station. Had a hard time pulling our luggage, because its super duper heavy! Gonna be staying inside the guesthouse till night time. Get a good rest, and will be going sightseeing early tmr morning, before I leave for Singapore! :( no photos to be uploaded today, but I believe tmr will have tons of photos!

xoxo darlings!

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Hello lovelies! Will be doing vlogs for my 2weeks trip instead of words, because I dont wanna bore you guys with a lengthy post!

Tried uploading the vlog for day 1&2 ytd, but it took too long, so I cancelled the uploading and went to sleep! Just bought back dinner and im gonna fill my stomach first! Gonna do another vlog later at night, after I come back from a restaurant, because Mr. Win Cho, the guy we contacted throughout this trip, is performing today!

Will try to make the vlog shorter, cause ytd's was half an hour, and uploading to YouTube takes me 5hours plus! :/ hope today you guys will get to see my vlogs by midnight? Will try as far as possible to update through twitter! Btw, my twitter account is synced with facebook, so you guys can also view it from there!

Took alot of videos and photos along the way! Hope when I return from Singapore, I can upload everything within a day! :D

BYE FOR NOW LOVELIES!

XOXO.

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